


Change

by oceansapart



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-20 07:36:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3642033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceansapart/pseuds/oceansapart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you just need to walk away. Sometimes you just need to let the person you care about the most walk away from you. Sometimes you just don't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Walk Away

_They say time will_   
_Make all this go away_   
_But it's time that has taken my tomorrows_   
_And turned them into yesterdays_   
_And once again that rising sun_   
_Is droppin' on down_   
_And once again you my friend_   
_Are nowhere to be found_   
_And it's so hard to do_   
_And so easy to say_   
_But sometimes_   
_Sometimes you just have to walk away_

 

* * *

 

 

She is the best secretary in NY city  _\- he can hear her in his head, NY City? Please, best in the world! –_ he isn’t suprised she has tackled, Rachel and Mike’s engagement party thrown by the firm, like any other task he asks her to do. (Would have, she’s not his secretary anymore)

It’s a classy get together, hot bar, good music, there’s champagne, there’re flowers and everyone seems to be content.  Mike and Rachel look ecstatic and she looks happy.  The three of them are deep in conversation with an IT guy, and he notices Donna’s hand linger a bit too much on his chest. The sting he feels throws him out of his game, because after a week, he’s used to be angry, to be jealous of Louis. Jealousy over her touching another guy, for the briefest of moments? that’s a new one.  _He later thinks if it really is, or he’s aware of it now, because she’s not longer in his life._

 

She is (was) the closest thing he had to a best friend, Mike points out in the middle of an argument when he’s sick of hearing him cutting around the bush but not really addressing the elephant in the room. And Harvey looks defeated, when he tells him to do something about it. But it doesn't last long, he recuperates quickly telling him to mind his own business.

 

 

She is the most amazing woman he knows, she is confident, loyal, smart, witty, and he could think of an endless list of adjectives that could describe what makes her what she is, he just wishes he had showed her properly, and sooner.

He is the best closer in the city, but he never closes deals that have to do with his personal life. Not as much or with his whole being as he does with his job. His job is his life, and he only had everything when she was by his side, now he has only half of it.

He misses her more than he thought he would, and while being angry because she left, he had understood why. Anger let room for sadness, and the raging feeling of being idiotic and stubborn, she gave him everything, he hadn't. Too scarred to listen to the thoughts he has been ignoring for the past 13 years. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He sees what Marcus has with his wife, and for the first time in his life he’s aware that he yearns to have someone that would be happy when he comes home, or someone to wait for. He doesn't want to put a name on the someone, even if he can picture her face perfectly well.  As much as he wants it, he’s also too scared, too damaged.  _He promised himself he wouldn't be like his dad, not when it came to love._

“Denial is a freaking river in Egypt” He can hear Mike, and he’s so sick of these people that he have welcome into his life, taking over his voice of reason. “Caring is a weakness, the only thing you need to be is being the best at your job, make someone out of yourself, have fun, dreams can become nightmares so you just have goals”  _He tries to remember his old mantras, they don’t sound as right as they used to._

 

He stays for a while because his nephews ask him to, and he can’t remember the last time someone wanted him to stay. It’s the same reason why a week later he’s having drinks with Rachel and Mike, and he’s getting to know Rachel. Actually sees why Mike and Donna trusts and like her. She even makes him laugh. He notices that when she tells stories about Donna she doesn't mention her name, and it hits him, not only Donna cut herself from his life, but everybody around him is avoiding to bring her back in. They’re protecting her from  _him_. The thought makes him want to vomit.

He excuses himself and goes back to his quiet apartment, a place that he can’t even call it home.  _He knows why._

 

* * *

 

 

There’s a blue dress that has always driven him insane, made him wonder before he could even stop his thoughts. It clings to her perfect curves, and brings out her eyes and her hair color, somehow it matches her perfume. Being in a closed space only with her while wearing that dress is plain torture. She’s saying something to him, they’re back to talking, about nothing, but at least there’s some normalcy back. And he can’t for his own life follow the conversation, he’s fantasizing about pinning her against the wall, stopping the elevator, kissing the freckle she has just below her right ear, having Jessica and Louis worry, call for maintenance, he doesn't care.  She has been quiet for a couple of seconds and is looking at him, part worried, part amused and slightly curious “Sorry got distracted”

They part ways when the doors open and the normalcy he felt some minutes ago has evaporated.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Weeks pass by, and he’s buried deep with work, taking more cases than he should. Jessica’s surprised when he even takes a pro bono one, he says is simple. In his head he can hear Donna’s encouraging words, and in that moment he knows he’s stuck with her forever, she has left his mark on him. He doesn't need her anymore.  _He wants_  her.

 

  

“You’re in love with her” it’s Mike who says it out loud, but he knows that is Rachel talking. The fact that his associate and his protege talk about his life when he’s not there is a given, and it bothers and doesn't at the same time.  “Mike” he’s warning him to drop whatever case he’s building up against him.  Mike goes away after saying "You need to shave"

He’s about to yell at him to mind his own business, he doesn't need Mike stating (now) the obvious to know he won’t be able to sleep at night.  He lifts his head from the files scattered on his desk and she’s standing in the threshold of his office and he wonders since when he can’t figure out she’s the one approaching, and why she’s not coming in.

 

“Hi” he stands as she speaks.

“Hey” She gives one step forward.

“Mike dropped these for Louis, but I need your signature” He grabs the papers, and walks towards his desk again.

“Harvey you can sign them tomorrow”

“I can do it now”

“Is not urgent, and you have had too much coffee” He smiles at that.

 

“Ah, yeah, the sloppy signature problem” He drops the papers  on top of the many already messing up his desk. She’s already retiring “It’s late Harvey, go to sleep” She can’t help herself, he looks tired and she knows it’s not her place to send him home  _(or worry about him, not anymore, the lack of interactions or how silent he gets when she's there are answering the questions she raised when she left)._

 

“I can’t sleep... I miss you” And that’s probably the most honest thing he had told her in a while. She smiles sadly at him.

“I’m right here Harvey” She walks away.  _Again._ And he watches her retiring form.  _Again._

 

 


	2. Warning Sign

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes when the focal point disappear from the shot, you need to refocus and see the bigger picture.

_I'll use you as a warning sign_  
_That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind_  
_I'll use you as a focal point_  
_So I don't lose sight of what I want_  
_I've moved further than I thought I could_  
_But I miss you more than I thought I would_  
_I found love where it wasn't supposed to be_  
_Right in front of me_  
_Talk some sense to me_

 

* * *

 

The universe somehow likes to revise things that should stay in the past. It’s a conflict that comes up over and over ( _and over_ ) again, it always comes to him and his choice to hire Mike. How different his life would be if he didn't… But Harvey is not a man that lets his mind wonder on what ifs, if something isn't working he fixes it. _If only it would be as easy as it he makes it sound, in every aspect of his life._

 

 

“Is not your fault Harvey” He would like to believe her, but his voice of reason is more loud than her soothing tone and hand on his shoulder.

“Well I’m the one that hired him” She leaves him be and turns around, walking toward his door.

“You weren't the only one there”

“Are you saying is partly my fault?” She rolls her eyes, he’s so stubborn sometimes.

“It’s nobody’s fault, and it takes two to tango”

“What are you talking about?” If he doesn't take the hint, she can’t help him.

“Nothing… goodnight Harvey”

 

 

 

“I’m scared” Rachel is sitting on her couch. She’s not sure what to tell her, so she puts her hand on the top of her friend’s and gives a little tug.

“If my dad finds out…”

“He won’t” Rachel tries to smile at her and fails

“How do you know?”

“Because I know Harvey, and he will go to the ends of the earth to stop this” And Rachel can’t help to start crying silently

“Yes, now, but if someday…” Donna doesn't let the younger woman keep going, her hold on her hand get’s tighter.

“Rach worry for what is happening now”

“I’m risking everything for him”

“That’s what love sometimes mean” There’s silence and Rachel is looking down, she’s having an internal discussion about what she’s about to ask.

“Do you miss him?” She doesn't need to say his name, Donna looks down answering a sad _yes_ , and Rachel drops her head on the redhead’s shoulder.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“Hey” is the first time she comes to his office without an excuse, it’s late, and Rachel and Mike have just left to celebrate.

“Donna”

“I have something for you” She goes back to her desk. There it goes the no excuse visit, he knows he needs to do something but he doesn't know where to start.

She comes back with a bottle of his favorite whiskey. The one he finished when she left him, his secretary hasn't replaced yet, and he hasn't even bothered.

“I notice the other night your stash was empty”

“It was, thank you” She pours 2 glasses and brings them to his desk, she walks to his window, looking to the city. In the past she would have sat on his desk, and her smile would be titillating. Now, she gives him space, and her smile doesn't reach her eyes. He doesn't want the space so he walks towards her. “What are we celebrating”

“You, being the best lawyer in the city, Mike, Rachel” She doesn't finish the sentence. _Someone being happy._ That’s too sad for Donna Paulsen, even to think about it makes her feel she’s loosing her touch.

“I am what I am because of you” She looks at him now, he has her whole attention. He doesn't say anything else though, and she kicks herself for expecting more.

He picks the ball that’s right in front of her “Do you remember what Ewing said when he gave me this ball?” She makes a face of mock disgust.

“He said this is for Roberta”

“Exactly! You told him my middle name!”

“That’s not the point Donna” His voice is a few notches down, “The point is, I have what I have because of you, and I don’t know what to do with it… without you”

“No Harvey you have what you have because of you” And he feels they’re not talking about work anymore. “It’s late I should go”

He doesn't ask why, he knows.  He waits a moment to long to go after her, and when he reaches the elevator the doors are closing. He punches the wall, he knows he’s not saying what she needs to hear, he was meaning to let her in the fact that he’s in love with her, that wants her in his life in whatever form she’ll take him. But, what she understood was him making a move for her to return as his secretary. He has no idea what to do, he always had her to help him with his relationships. _And probably if he ever gets lucky enough to be in one with her is why he won’t screw it up._

 

* * *

 

 

 

When she comes in the break room, he’s studying the coffee machine as if it was the biggest mystery of the universe. “You have one of those at home, is not that difficult” She says mischievously. He looks at her hopefully and she takes it as a sign to help him, _he knows better_. He knew she would be here, one of the small steps he’s making to have some sort of progress.

“Such a bad day that you run to get your own coffee?”

“Is not that bad right now” that leaves her speechless, he’s looking at her in a funny way, and she can pinpoint almost every emotion he pours through his eyes, but not this one. If she didn't know better she would say it was almost flirty.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Louis is waiting for her with a big bouquet of flowers, congratulating her because of her pristine performance, Rachel and Mike had just left, and he’s about to approach her when one of the actors grabs her by the waist giving her a kiss on the cheek, asking if she’s ready. 

She sees him when he’s walking away, a soft tug at her heart. _He came but didn't stay._

 

 

 

The next day there are flowers on her desk, but not any flower, her favorites.

_You were amazing last night_

_\- H_

She reads, and re reads the card before sending him a text message “Thanks for coming”. Donna doesn't have to wait much to get his reply “I wouldn't have missed it”. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He remembers the mix of adrenaline and panic when she confronted him and asked him _how?_ his mind denying him clarity. _He knows now._

 

 

 


	3. Stubborn Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it comes the time to just say something before it's too late.

_And in the middle of the night_  
_I may watch you go_  
_There'll be no value in the strength_  
_Of walls that I have grown_  
_There'll be no comfort in the shade_  
_Of the shadows thrown_  
_You may not trust the promises_  
_Of the change I'll show_  
_But I'd be yours if you'd be mine_

 

* * *

 

 

 

There was progress and then there was stillness, a reflection of their more than a decade of work together, there was a built up until the other time happened, and then there were 10 years of companionship, of small talks, discussions that were forgiven or let aside. Always working to keep that line between the two. But when there was no more line and neither did anything, there was something missing. Sometimes it just comes around to the moment you realize you need to act before you lose your chance.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

There’s a soft clunk that lets her know the door to the file room has been locked, and she doesn't need to turn around to know who is behind. “Harvey don’t do this”

He doesn't wait to hear what she has to said before he’s already in her space “What happened?” She steps back

“What part of don’t do this you didn't hear” She’s angry, she’s angry at Louis for what he said, she’s having a bad day and she doesn't need him looking after her.

 

“You’re not mad at me” But she is, she is angry at him too. Because if he hadn't said he loved her, their status quo wouldn't have changed, she wouldn't be here, having a bad day because Louis is having a bad day. Louis wouldn't have a need to make a point telling her he is not Harvey, and she wouldn't have had the need to run away from what her life was for the past 12 years.

It was a series of unfortunate events, and she’s angry because he made her love him, he takes but never gives back. _Not like she sometimes expected him to._

 

“Donna” She glares at him, looks to the door,  she could walk pass him and unlock it, but he’s looking at her in a way that makes her chest constrict. He takes one step forward. _He does that a lot lately, he steps up, she retreats_. 

 

He touches her elbow and she looks up almost pleading with him “Don’t do this, please”

 

“I’m not doing anything!” He snaps, because he wants to hold her, hug her, kiss the bad day off, but he doesn't have the right. So, he’s standing in front of her, trying to get something out, whatever she’s willing to give; thinking that it is nothing, it makes him want to drop to his knees. “What do you want Donna? Because I tell you that I miss you and you tell me you’re right here, but I look for you and you run away, when I thought that giving you space was the right thing to do, you told me I didn't fight for you. What do you want from me then?”

“Is not the same” He steps back, he’s messing with his hair, and suddenly his tie is to tight.

“That’s not the answer to what I asked” She puts down the papers she was holding to, like an armor, and walks towards him, her finger pointing at him.

“That’s reach of you to say. When have you ever answered something I asked you!?” He knows she’s right, but he had never been good with words, every time he tries, he messes it up, saying the wrong thing. It’s the adrenaline of finally coming to terms with the fact that he’s in love with her, of all the possibilities in front of him that makes him act.

He grabs the finger she’s poking him with, his other hand grabbing her waist, bringing her to him in one swift motion. And Donna knows what is about to happen, not because the way he grabbed her reminds her of the other time, but because his expression is selling him away. Her hands are on his chest, she could untangle herself from him as quickly as he brought her to him. But, She blinks once, looking down, from his eyes to his mouth. The action being the smallest invitation he needed because his lips are crushing on hers. Her hands moves on their own volition, from his chest, to his neck, tugging him closer, his echoing her movement, not leaving any space between them. The kiss escalates from gentle to raw in seconds, is a kiss that reflects more than decade of waiting and wanting, and leaves her panting and yearning more. He breaks it but doesn't move, searching for her eyes, a part of him expecting her to say "this is a mistake". He hesitates, and she kisses him again taking what he’s giving, he corners her against the copy machine, and the sound it makes wakes them up from the limbo they’re in.

 

He breathes her in, her shampoo intoxicating, and he needs to stop or he won’t be able to. She’s buried in the crock of his neck before pulling away to look at him. A playful smile reaching her eyes, and he can’t help but kiss her again. He’s smiling against her mouth and feeling like a teenager, he feels her hands go from his back to his chest, pushing him away. Immediately missing the contact.

 

She’s still smiling when she comments “That answers a few of our questions”

“Not all of them?” And he’s curious because he had never seen this side of Donna, he went away shortly after the other time happened. And stopped whatever might. _He’s not planning of walking away now._

“No I think I need further proof to evaluate the situation and make a verdict”

“Are you _lawyering_ me?”

“That’s not even a word” He raises an eyebrow, she shakes her head playfully “I have to go back”

“Because your boss sucks”

“He doesn't all the time”

“Your old boss would be happy to” She shakes her head, again, and laughs. _This man, _in that moment_ Donna can't even think of adjectives._

“Please don’t even finish that sentence” She's reaching the door when he hears him retort “I’ll finish it tonight!”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He keeps his promise, waiting for her as soon as Louis went home, smiling like a kid waiting for his reward after an appointment with the doctor. They barely make it inside his apartment with clothes on.

She wakes up in the middle of the night because he’s making sinful things with his mouth to a freckle  she has below her breast. “You win, I’m awake” she mumbles, still half sleep. She can feel him smiling against her skin, pulls him back to her mouth so she can kiss him properly, tease him as much as he’s teasing her.  She would've killed any other man that dared to wake her up in the middle of the night for round 5, she needs her beauty sleep, but he’s so happy, they’re so happy, that she couldn't care less.

 

She wakes up to a tangled mess of limbs and his arm protectively thrown over her (bare) stomach. She looks at the clock on his bed side table, is too early for the little sleep she got, but she’s not complaining. 

 

He wakes up to an empty bed, and he panics until he hears sounds coming from his kitchen.

 

She’s wearing his shirt, her long legs taking his breath away. He sneaks up from behind, hugging her and kissing her neck “Morning” She turns around inside his embrace to kiss him. “I made coffee, we’re gonna need it today”

“Call in sick”

“That wouldn't be suspicious at all, both of us taking the day off?”

“Louis can manage” he’s kissing her neck, the soft spot he found last night that makes her come undone. She’s sure now, he’s evil.

“It’s Friday, we have the whole weekend ahead” and he looks at her, because he hears some hesitation in her words, somehow sounding like a question and a sentence at the same time, they need to talk, but he kisses her again. They’ll talk later.

“Ok, go before I make a good case about all the benefits about calling in sick” She kisses him on the cheek, disappearing into his room while picking up her scattered clothes. 

 

* * *

 

 

He hasn't seen her all day and this is not what he had in mind.

 

 

“Harvey sit” Jessica is not playing around and he looks at Donna for reassurance of what is going on. She shrugs.

Jessica looks at Donna, the smallest of smiles erasing any doubt of why they’re here. “Is this going to be a problem?”

Donna shakes her head, while Harvey opens his mouth like a fish out of the water “How did you…?  Nevermind. And no, can we go now?"

They’re getting up and reaching the door when they hear Jessica say “About time”

 

 

They walk together to her desk, not really leaving much space between the two  “I feel like I've been called to the principal’s office”

He shakes his head “No kidding, I’m 16 again”

“There’re more grey hairs than a 16 year old would have” She teases him, clasping her hand together to prevent herself from touching him in front of the whole office. Harvey narrows his eyes, but smiles coyly “And more experience than a teenager too, do you think that what I did…” She hits him playfully to stop him for finishing that sentence, they can see whatever they want. Gossip always present about the two of them. He retires at the same time Rachel appears.

 

 

“You have something to tell?”

Donna is putting on the best poker face she knows “No”

“I get then that you had a really good yoga class?”

“The best” Rachel shakes her head and smiles.

 

 

 

Louis calls her in shortly after that to apologize for what happened the day before, and wishes her a good weekend, letting her go home early. (He also asks her for the number of her yoga instructor and she tries to think about really sad things not to laugh) "He's not taking new students right now" 

 

 

She texts Harvey letting him know. Shortly after that he appears at her place with a duffel bag. "Are we going somewhere?"

"Not until Monday morning"

"Cocky" she says while smiling, she can't help it, happiness surrounding her like a second skin. She grabs him by the hand and leads them to her bedroom.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They talk, there’s a brief moment when they wonder what would have happened if they haven’t missed all those years, there’s a lot of time to make up for, but finally they’re in in a place where both of them know where the other stands. This is how _them_ begins, they're ready, ghosts of the past let aside, enough confidence to see what's ahead.

 

 

 

_-Fin-_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to my twitter constant who feeds me with her head canon and listens to my eternal ramblings about these two.


End file.
